Mental Health Day

I know that today isn't the "World Mental Health Day", which means it's not October 10th, but I took a Mental Health day off from work today anyways.

Yesterday "Sweetie" told me she wanted to "move on" and not be with me any longer. She didn't say that because she has met anyone else (that I know of) or because I am treating her bad or anything that I am aware of... and knowing her, I am sure she would have told me if I was... no she is "moving on" because we can't seem to agree on some things... specifically my "baggage".

If you read my profile (see it's on the right of this blog), or have read any number of posts in this blog then you know I am a single father with four wonderful kids (one of which is on her own now). Well she wants someone without baggage, or someone with a lighter load. I know that sounds bad, but she wants what any woman would want... (I think anyway)... A man who will devote himself to her completely, and since I see my kids pretty regulary I can't be with her all the time. She has her own kids (one of which is on her own now as well), and she doesn't want to be the "Brady Bunch".

We have been dating for quite some time (almost 5 years), and I kept hoping that she would warm up to the idea, and come to not only accept it, but enjoy it, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I really love her, but I can't stay in the relationship if she can't accept me for me... and unfortunately for the situation "me" is a father of 4 (3 still under 18).

The biggest thing she doesn't enjoy, and for this I don't blame her, is the things that I go through with "Ex". She dropped a house on me recently, not like Wizard of Oz, but she abandoned the marital home, and now it's my responsibility. "Sweetie" thinks I should just get rid of it, and even though I would love to, it's not really that simple. To get rid of it, I need to sell it, and in it's current state, no one wants it. So I have to fix it up with money I don't have, and hope to sell it or rent it. With the market being what it is recently, I am sure selling isn't an option any time soon. "Sweetie" doesn't want to share the responsibility of that baggage either. Again, I don't blame her for that, I don't want it either, but I don't really have a choice.

I don't blame her for any of her feelings... She has had a lot of crap in her life, and she just wants an uncomplicated relationship, or at least an uncomplicated life. My baggage makes our relationship and her life complicated. She has a choice to be a part of my complications or not, and she is choosing not to... I sometimes wish I could make that choice... but if I did, I would miss out on all of the things I enjoy... my kids, her, her kids, my work, my friends, and everything in between...

I want it all including the complications, and apparently that's not how it's going to happen.

"Sweetie" if you read this, please know that I love you and I always will. I want to be with you, but I can't stop being me. Hopefully someday you may change your mind and join me on my roller coaster, but if not, I understand and will still love you and want you to be happy. You are more to me than a girlfriend, you are my best friend, and I miss you already. You helped me to become more than I thought I ever could be, and I hope you will always think fondly of me.

Later Lou